and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
