I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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