Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
