I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
