I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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