I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
