You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
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