My sheets look like a crime scene.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
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I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
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Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
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