Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
