hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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