then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
