I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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