I cockslap morals
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
