Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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