When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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