How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
