I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
