Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
