the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
