God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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