So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
