Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
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Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
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I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
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