seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
