I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's blow job season.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
