Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
