I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
