Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
