Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
