in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
