Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
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I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
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When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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