My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
