i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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