it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
