My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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