I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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