the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
