Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
