My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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