I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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