If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
