Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
