I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
