btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
