Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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