How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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