it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
