Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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