I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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