I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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