Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
