Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
