Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Randomize
