The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize