i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
