I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
