I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
