I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
