Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
NoShamevember. You game?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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