My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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