i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
