I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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