the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize
