Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
bring money and cleavage
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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